Day 81: Thursday 30th May

There is a secret group on FB called 'Bad Mothers Of The Parish' - I seriously want to be a part of this, and I consider that my behaviour today warrants a free lifetime membership.

However......... there are extenuating circumstances going on around me, so I hope that C1 and C2 will bear with me...................

This marking malarkey requires total concentration, no interruptions, and a clear, focused brain. Failure to achieve such a zen-like environment causes a major risk of me losing the contract, messing up, hanging my head in shame at the making of such STUPID errors due to breaks in said concentration, and generally feeling like screaming, throwing small objects and slamming doors. 

Keeping a lid on all of this also takes its toll.

This week has been made up, mainly, of fretting, worrying, being frustrated at my inability to distance myself from guilt-tripping manipulation,

my children requiring my attention (I don't normally mind this, but when put with the rest of the mess, I lose the plot), worries about whether Peter will notice if I rob him to pay Paul, fiddling about with commitments made while I had the confidence that C1 and C2 would be elsewhere this week, losing sleep, wanting to be somewhere else, and maintaining an external appearance of 'all is well'.

None of which adds up to a sensible frame of mind for the work I have to do, to a deadline.

No crochet has been done, either.

I now have a situation where I have completed the Benchmark thingy, having sat here in my pjs since 5:30am today, checking, checking again, and I can check no more. All I have to do now is muster up the courage to commit the marks to the system, and pray that I have made 10 or under errors, so that I can continue with this sorry task of marking. The adrenalin is pumping, and I am actually feeling a weird kind of fear. If I fail, so what? All that happens is that I have to pack up all the papers and send them back. 

I will report back on this later, once I gather enough confidence to have a go and wait for the outcome.

On another subject, Mummy and Daddy are really going through the mill at the moment. Mummy is at her wit's end, totally exhausted, and trying her very best to keep it all going, while Daddy is deteriorating before our eyes. His awkwardness, confusion, anger and general upside-down view on life is taking its toll on him, her, and indirectly all of the rest of the family, as we feel helpless to solve the problems. Daddy is going for a little holiday next week, in a very nice place, near S1 in the Shire, so that Mummy has a chance to switch off the 'carer' button for a few days and recharge her batteries. This will only happen if she can also let go of the feelings of guilt, failure, and frustration that she has, and start to know that she is doing more than most would be able to do, to maintain a quality of life for her husband.

Back later. Fingers crossed.

Er...... anyone got a trumpet and some fanfare music please?

 

PROCEED. Your marking of Benchmark set 1 meets the national standard at grade 'A'. Please contact your supervisor for additional feedback and continue to mark children's scripts.

Fan-bloody-tastic. I am now leaving the sweat-room and going for a much-needed shower, hair-wash, teeth-clean and a cuddle with my 2 star bananas.