Day 82: Friday 31st May

Wow! Up at 6am, washing on the line, another load in the machine. Sunshine!!!! What is this phenomena?

Apparently the weather for today is 'chance of rain' 

13°C

Current: Mostly Cloudy

Wind: N at 18 km/h

Humidity: 87% 

Making the most of it, as I have a whole week's worth of laundry to get through, including a pile of rank camping stuff! I am just hoping that the sunshine remains with us for the day, as I am out and about for most of it, so the usual gallop to collect in out of the rain will not be an option today.

So - today's plan comprises:

Visit to doctor on her request, to discuss results of my latest round of blood tests. Eek.

Visit to Mr Ding-a-Ling to discuss my knackered knees (both of them this time) and hopefully come up with some kind of plan.

Apparently I have a problem with my synovial fluid,
wear and tear, and non-existent cartilage!

Visit to Mummy and Daddy, so that we can spend some time together, and  to allow Mummy to attend a funeral* in the knowledge that Daddy will be in the company of somebody reasonably able to cope with his needs. 

Return home to the joy of collecting in all the line-dried laundry, iron it, and retain the services of C1 and C2 to take it all upstairs, and NOT dump it on the floors of their bedrooms, but put it all away.

Laundry Monster!

There is another plan in the offing - there has been a special request from Mr 1957 for a Victoria Sponge to accompany us on our bike ride tomorrow. C1 is all set to come up with the goods at some point today, probably in between Mr Ding-a-Ling and M&D. 

I can rely on C1 to produce a fabulous 3-egger.

I will be fitting in some sneaky marking whenever I can, as there is another deadline looming next week, and I don't want the stress of having to rush it.

Have now gone past the 6 stone weight loss notch on the kitchen cupboard door. It feels fantastic to be able to move, wear clothes that are loose, not be out of breath, and to generally feel so much healthier. The only fly in the ointment now is the knee situation, which I must admit to being completely confused about. I had thought that such a considerable weight loss would have had a positive result on my poor joints, but no, they are worse than ever. *




* RIP Mr Ferenc  xx

** See Mr Ding-a-Ling!

Day 81: Thursday 30th May

There is a secret group on FB called 'Bad Mothers Of The Parish' - I seriously want to be a part of this, and I consider that my behaviour today warrants a free lifetime membership.

However......... there are extenuating circumstances going on around me, so I hope that C1 and C2 will bear with me...................

This marking malarkey requires total concentration, no interruptions, and a clear, focused brain. Failure to achieve such a zen-like environment causes a major risk of me losing the contract, messing up, hanging my head in shame at the making of such STUPID errors due to breaks in said concentration, and generally feeling like screaming, throwing small objects and slamming doors. 

Keeping a lid on all of this also takes its toll.

This week has been made up, mainly, of fretting, worrying, being frustrated at my inability to distance myself from guilt-tripping manipulation,

my children requiring my attention (I don't normally mind this, but when put with the rest of the mess, I lose the plot), worries about whether Peter will notice if I rob him to pay Paul, fiddling about with commitments made while I had the confidence that C1 and C2 would be elsewhere this week, losing sleep, wanting to be somewhere else, and maintaining an external appearance of 'all is well'.

None of which adds up to a sensible frame of mind for the work I have to do, to a deadline.

No crochet has been done, either.

I now have a situation where I have completed the Benchmark thingy, having sat here in my pjs since 5:30am today, checking, checking again, and I can check no more. All I have to do now is muster up the courage to commit the marks to the system, and pray that I have made 10 or under errors, so that I can continue with this sorry task of marking. The adrenalin is pumping, and I am actually feeling a weird kind of fear. If I fail, so what? All that happens is that I have to pack up all the papers and send them back. 

I will report back on this later, once I gather enough confidence to have a go and wait for the outcome.

On another subject, Mummy and Daddy are really going through the mill at the moment. Mummy is at her wit's end, totally exhausted, and trying her very best to keep it all going, while Daddy is deteriorating before our eyes. His awkwardness, confusion, anger and general upside-down view on life is taking its toll on him, her, and indirectly all of the rest of the family, as we feel helpless to solve the problems. Daddy is going for a little holiday next week, in a very nice place, near S1 in the Shire, so that Mummy has a chance to switch off the 'carer' button for a few days and recharge her batteries. This will only happen if she can also let go of the feelings of guilt, failure, and frustration that she has, and start to know that she is doing more than most would be able to do, to maintain a quality of life for her husband.

Back later. Fingers crossed.

Er...... anyone got a trumpet and some fanfare music please?

 

PROCEED. Your marking of Benchmark set 1 meets the national standard at grade 'A'. Please contact your supervisor for additional feedback and continue to mark children's scripts.

Fan-bloody-tastic. I am now leaving the sweat-room and going for a much-needed shower, hair-wash, teeth-clean and a cuddle with my 2 star bananas.

Day 80: Wednesday 29th May

It is raining, it is cold, it is the end of May. I am starting to wonder whether this is our new summer regime. 

Yesterday was mainly used up doing marking, visiting parents, having lovely tea with them, more marking, introducing C1 and C2 to the joys of Mr Magoo a la 1997 Leslie Nielsen film. The giggling, hooting and downright hysterical laughing coming from the other room while I sat with the red pen was fantastic!

Further planning is needed for the rest of the week, as BabyDaddy is unwell, and not responding to any means of communication, and I am worried about his wellbeing. This will not stop, even though we are 3 days away from the decree absolute, as my instinct is to care what happens to fellow human beings when they are in distress.   

Hope someone is carrying him...

I now have the company of our children for the week, instead of half of it. 

It is going to be tricky, as I have a heap of papers to mark, several hospital appointments to attend, a minimal social life to resuscitate, all of which would have been a whole lot easier had I been assured that C1 and C2 were gainfully and safely cared for elsewhere for a few days. Still, we will sort it. I will replace all plans of mine on the back burner, as I often do, and the children will have to come and kick chair-legs in waiting rooms around the county while I see various doctors.

If only it would stop raining, the washing pile could start diminishing too. Blimmin' weather. At least my baby runner beans, tomatoes, pumpkins and marigolds are thriving!

Day 79: Tuesday 28th May

Back from what was mainly a lovely 4 days in Wales. The weather was beautiful for most of the time, until a wind from Hades blew in, gave us sandstorms, freezing extremities, a horizontal toilet tent, and a decision to come home a day early.

From this.....

... to this...

... and down it had to come....

Plenty of sandy fun though, and with the aid of a couple of Nordic Poles (not a euphemism!) all was well. 

Back to normality with bump.

Housing Benefit comes in. 

That lovely feeling when you see that the overdraft is

almost clear, and with a little more frugality on the

home front, will be back to zero. 

So near, yet so far...

Then, in comes a bill from solicitor, needing to be 

paid, consisting mainly of itemised attempts to get

any kind of response from the other side, to no avail.

Out goes all of the Housing Benefit, just before rent 

day, praise to the lord of sick jokes.

Load of old arse.

Day 74: Thursday 23rd May

Half term begins a day early! Woooot!!  Got my babies home, packing our stuff, clip-board says 'yes', and we are starting early by taking our stuff over to Mr 1957's house, where we can start out journey nice and early tomorrow, to nab a good pitch when we get there.

No internet until Tuesday, so have a lovely bank holiday weekend, all you lovely people, and a full catch-up will be on the cards next week.

Toodle-pip!

Harlech here we come!!!

Day 73: Wednesday 22nd May

Sublime moment - C1 and C2 begging for fish, mash and parsley sauce for their tea tonight. Lo - 2 pieces of fish left in the freezer, and on close examination of a flower pot in the garden - winter-surviving parsley is there in abundance! Woop! Proper mash, proper parsley sauce, proper fish. A feast.

Followed later by a session of streetdance - meaning I have 50 minutes alone in the car to do some crochet! Result.

Meanwhile, today is being spent immersed in papers from all over the country (except Worcestershire) - until it is time to go and rescue C2 from his school-based penance. This morning he had a good go at my heart-strings by stating how much he hates school. His reason for this is that he has worked out that during a school week, he spends more waking hours there, than with 'mummy'. Oh, I could have just turned the car round and brought him home, but that would be both naughty, silly, and unnecessary. 

He hobbled into school, forgetting which knee was supposed to be the injured one, made me laugh with a quick arm-wrestle on the path, and didn't look back for a 3rd wave. 

C2 is all set for a week off. Totally tired out with a capital K. One more day, involving non-uniform, and that's it for a week. The idea of getting her up early on Friday to go camping is slightly daunting, but she is already planning how to use her fishing net to grab a crab! Not sure about what she plans to do with it, should it succumb to the net, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

I need to pop in to see Auntie K, who had a heart attack this time last week. She is only 41, and the sister of BabyDaddy. It was a shock to all that this should happen to her. There are no words. A major blip in the life of K. She is home from hospital, with a long journey of rehab ahead of her. Not what you wish for anyone.

Also need to pop in to see Mummy and Daddy, who seem, once again, to be not getting enough of my attention. I feel this acutely. Life is very very busy, but maybe not too busy to include a pop-in. Trouble is, a pop-in isn't enough. I want to give more time to them. 

BabyDaddy is having a tough time of it. His late-night call was indicative of another dip in his mood, and although I sometimes feel in danger of repeating myself, I impart some advice...

...about eating properly (ie including carbohydrate in his diet), 

...sharing out his limited income carefully so that he allocates enough to be able to feed himself and C1 and C2 over the 2 days in 14 when he has them,

...sourcing free activities and stuff to do with them while they are with him, that don't involve either travelling or spending money on tat, 

...maybe seeking out a support group for those unfortunate enough to suffer from Bi-Polar Disorder, and if there isn't one, setting one up,

...doing some voluntary work with people, to get him out of the flat, out of the habit of navel-gazing and living in the past, and into the nice warm fuzzy world of helping other people. He won't get paid, but he will be out there doing good. Even if it is simply sitting nattering to some elderly people in the old folk's home opposite his flat!

The notion of something falling on deaf ears is loud and clear, but at least I know I have tried. The fact that we are 2 weeks away from a decree absolute ending our marriage doesn't switch off the caring, or the wanting to help. I feel strong and able to listen to him. I just wish that the part of his brain that causes all the trouble could just switch off and allow him to breathe.

Now where did I put my red pen...... ?

Day 72: Tuesday 21st May

A short one today - I am so buried under paperwork that there is little I can tell you about today, apart from that I finally passed the Standardisation thingy, and am now able to start marking. Slow route to complete brain-fry and boredom. But I need to reclaim the kitchen table, so the sooner it is all done, the better!

The plan for a camping trip is coming to fruition. A bit of a late starter, but if I can meet a couple of deadlines early, a couple of days somewhere else would be welcome. 

Made a fruit cake in preparation:

And some cookies and some brownies - found the mixes in the garage and thought - why not?

These are now packed up and hidden away, otherwise C1 and C2's 'taste-testing' will use them all up before we even hit the road!

I am testing my innards today, with a splash of milk in my tea instead of soya. At least I am near the homestead all day, except for the school runs, so any different kind of runs, and I will be reasonably close to the smallest room! 

Late night phone call set off the insomnia good and proper, so need to get the brain in gear.