Well, here I am again.
After a long period of absence.
Today we said 'goodbye' to Daddy. He passed away on Saturday 26th July after such a long drawn-out decline.
His funeral was exactly as he and mum wanted.
No words really to express the huge gap he has left in our lives, but he is now at peace, and we can start getting used to life without him in it, but keep him safe in our hearts and memories.
Rowland John Leonard Waters
29 December 1932 - 26 July 2014
How to start?
The end of somebody's life is never an easy thing to think about.
Poor Daddy is lingering in his desperately sad limbo, drifting in and out of awareness. Sometimes forgetting to swallow, sometimes singing good old hymns, sometimes weeping, sometimes remembering who we are.
His 'end of life' care is starting. S1 visited last night and tried to explain what this means. As far as I am concerned, it means that he will not receive treatment that may prolong his life, he will remain comfortable and warm, and cared for, and will be allowed to pass away with dignity and love, when the time comes.
Mummy is rallying round, as she always does, but the sadness is all around. Trying to look at the positive side of things, succeeding, until the wave of emotion hits again. All of us are wishing that this situation doesn't last too long, for Daddy's sake.
Not much else to say at the moment.
Well it's been one of those weeks when there haven't been enough hours in each day, and the hours I had were spent in such a totally emotionally draining way that time didn't seem to matter.
Daddy was taken into hospital on Sunday, after suffering a general seizure on Saturday. God bless Mummy, the hope that 'this is it' faded as he remained with us all day. Sunday was the day when she threw in the towel.
Such a sad time - we all knew that they both wanted the conclusion to his story to end at home. But after a week in hospital, he has not improved, and there is no energy left for the right amount of care that he needs. He is 'pleasantly confused' - I read that in his notes last night. The first time I could visit him in a week due to the presence of a nasty lurgy that the hospital has been trying to get rid of.
Pleasantly confused - contradictory really. He looked frail, tired beyond tired, but happy to see me when he opened his eyes. He managed 10 minutes of chat with me before going back to sleep. His ability to go straight into a deep sleep mid-sentence amazes me!
His speech is terribly slurred, which results in much nodding and 'I know' from the listener. Patience is something that comes with having enough rest. Poor Mummy hasn't had enough of that for months now.
She took the opportunity (after encouragement from S1 and S2) to disappear to The Principality for some much needed R&R. She is still there, with S2 and his family, while S1 and me sort out Daddy.
The decision was hard, but Mummy has finally acknowledged that the time is right to relinquish her responsibility for Daddy's care. We visited a lovely nursing home before she ran away to Wales, and they have a room waiting for him when he is discharged.
New chapter.
Hopefully all this will happen on Monday.
How much sleep does a person need? I have been feeling totally wiped out for the last 3 weeks or so. Sleeping seems to be the enemy at the moment. Either not enough, or too much. Getting the balance right appears to be impossible. So off I went to see the nice lady GP - oops.
Upping the dosage of the 'happy pills' again - higher than I've had before. Hoping for a regain in the energy, positivity and general joy that I have been feeling over the last few months. Losing that feeling has been devastating.
Life is busy, no doubt about that. Pulling back from non-essential things has happened, and I don't think there is anything else that I can change.
I am not prepared to take cover, as my body and mind want me to. It is not possible to take refuge in the duvet when there are so many avenues that I need to travel. The luxury of withdrawal from it all is not mine.
C1 and C2 are with BabyDaddy this weekend. I have slept for 12 hours, and feel a lot better. I hope I can salvage some of this weekend for some nice times.
2 days to go before I celebrate a full year of the transformation of me. It's been a rocky road, and it certainly isn't over yet. Consultant care continues for at least another year, and the Bariatric Dynamic Duo (dietician Emma and nurse Karen) are still on my case. Blood tests every 12 weeks, jabs, extra pills, more focus on nutrients (and malabsorption issues) and a continued effort to up the exercise (limited by knees) and tame the aprons of loose skin that seem to be developing.
All worth it though. I can't even think about going back to where I was last year.
It's not all grim. It just seems to be a little tricky to see all the loveliness in my life when the black dog is sitting firmly on my shoulders again. There is no rhyme or reason to why the hound should have returned. But he is only a squatter - he is not welcome, and he is on borrowed time!
Well here I am again. It has been quite a while since I last wrote anything.
The full year since this story started is almost here - 365 days of the emergence of a new me.
The story is a long way away from finishing, however.
A new job, taxing, demanding, and due to my perfectionism, highly stressful and time-consuming. Adding to the mix is the fact that it appears that anything I earn is immediately deducted from my housing benefit etc, so it negates any effort I make to improve our lot here at the homestead.
I gave myself 6 weeks to get on top of the steep learning curve - failed to reach even half way before the sleepless nights, self-doubt and need for a return to the 'happy pills' made me realise that it wasn't for me.
Much questioning, much thought, and a really nice boss, and I am now extracted from the minefield where my biggest consideration is self-preservation and not letting the side down.
So, it's back to dad-sitting, crochet, some music and household management. C1 and C2 haven't noticed yet, but the morning rush isn't quite so chaotic now I don't have to get me to work as well as them out of the door to school.
I am happy about this. It was really great to find something I felt good about, but the timing wasn't right, and so........
Have now lost 74% of my excess body weight, and the lovely Mr Bariatric P, Dietician Emma and Nurse Karen are all delighted with my progress.
My GP is on my case too, regarding the ongoing vitamin and mineral deficiencies that are still giving me trouble.
I cannot fault the support I am getting. Blood tests every 12 weeks, immediate feedback, B12 injections and mega-pills - all to hopefully help to get me back firing on 4 cylinders!
Admittedly, I seem to be feeling very tired a lot of the time at the moment.
Loose skin is also starting to become an issue. Aprons, saddle-bags, flappy birds - whatever. But it is a small price to pay for the new freedom that the operation has given me.
All this seems a little bit serious for a sunny Monday morning at the beginning of March. No pictures, no jokes. But I am back, The Lady In The Distance is getting nearer, and hey ho, tomorrow is another day.
Thank you for reading.
PHEW!
C1 and C2 back at school (happily), back in the routine of spending time with Mum and Dad, new job about to become a little less daunting (hopefully) and some good times.
Our membership of the library is being well-used - C2 has borrowed 19 books since the beginning of the Christmas holidays - talk about a reading frenzy! C1 has discovered the joy of reserving her favourite titles so that she can collect when she's ready for the next one.
I have borrowed every book about crochet and knitting - just need to find time to sit and do the stuff now. Life has suddenly become extremely busy. I don't mind that, but I miss the moments of stillness.
The piano-playing went down well the other night - a local WI had their Christmas party - it felt slightly weird playing seasonal music in January, but it was a lovely evening, in spite of the floods and driving rain.
A lovely friend has donated a complete high-sleeper bed (in bits) for C2's bedroom - I am blessed in having Mr 1957 in my life - he has a plan to saw bits off, jiggle it all around, and make it fit the tiny space - 97cm square!!!!!!!!
The weekend was brilliant - I love weekends like that. Started off with a carvery (and a voucher to save a shedload of money!), then swimming with C1, C2 and Mr 1957 vying for the award for the fastest slider on the purple flume! Even I had a go, although my swimming costume is indecently baggy, and will not see the light of day again.
Yesterday made the weekend complete, with a sunny walk in the woods, accompanied by 2 bikes, 4 walkie-talkies, a bag of sarnies and some satsumas. All good in my world.
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| The Puddle of Joy! |
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| More Puddle-Jumping! |
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| Happy Me! |
Happy Birthday to me!!!!
Had a lovely weekend with C1, C2 and Mr 1957 - rescued the days when it turned out that childcare had gone askew, but all turned out even better than expected. Fabulous and Fifty-One!!!
Will fill you all in on other stuff soon. Last day of the Christmas holidays tomorrow, normal service to be resumed following return to normality. In a normal kind of way!
